Essential Bastard
Blog URL http://essentialbastard.blogspot.com/
Located Chappaqua, New York USA
Tags humor, parody, satire, observational, inane, irreverent, social commentary, funny
"What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist." –Salman Rushdie
Latest Blog Posts
- Too Much Mastication Will Kill You! (or, Will This Razor Chafe My Palms?) on Oct 4, 2009 in unemployment family
Since my pants were filched by the titans of finance, the luxury of free time has been available in heaps (or “shitloads,” to use the beaten man's vernacular). The endless ass scratching, a kind of secret handshake among the unemployed, reveals m...
- The Kids Are (Not) Alright on Jul 18, 2009 in children rants
It’s not you, it’s me.When it comes to child interaction, you don’t want me involved in the water balloon toss or wheelbarrow race anymore than you need me in the vicinity of monkey bars or petting zoos. Hell, I’m more prone to encourage hand...
- Kids, Too Much Mastication Will Kill You! on Jun 29, 2009 in unemployment family
Since my pants were filched by the titans of finance, the luxury of free time has been available in heaps, also known as “shitloads” for those on the metric standard. These precious moments often constitute quite a bit of ass scratching: the prev...
- Bom Chicka Wah Wah: A Guide To Sleep, Sex, And Roof Damage on Jun 23, 2009 in adult film sleep family
I sleep like a rock. Through thunderstorms, meteor showers, and airplane collisions, I sleep. When burglars pistol-whip overnight guests and nuclear reactors explode into dust, regular appointments with the Sandman remain unbroken. After all, what ki...
- Who's Gonna Drive You Home, Tonight on Jun 19, 2009 in teachers school nostalgia
Picture yourself on the side of a congested highway, vehicles speeding inches from your foothold. Asphalt kicks up in clumps as cocaine-addled truckers stress-test the road with their endless convoy. Stretching for miles, a turbid haze in various sha...
- Sleaze, Unease, And Extra Cheese on Jun 15, 2009 in school nostalgia
For the non-farm crowd, Mr. Cheese USA isn’t exactly a desired moniker. It’s certainly nothing you’d want on file with the post office or, for that matter, in a corporate directory regardless of one’s patriotism or passion for dairy. In fact,...
- Of Human Bondage (To Human Toilets) on Jun 11, 2009 in nostalgia toilets rants
“I need to tell you something, and I know this might sound a bit disturbing (pause) but it’s very possible that the prior owner of this condo replaced her old toilet with a refurbished one.”–realtor, phone conversation prior to closing, 2003A...
